Sorry for the delay, boys and girls…here’s the latest, many more to come…

INT-NIGHT Living room of a large house in Somerville, Mass. A red-haired girl and an ape are sitting on opposite couches, watching a movie. The ape has a laptop in his lap.

APE

(Not looking away from his computer screen) What’s “Metro Entertainment”?

RED-HAIRED GIRL

I don’t know. Why?

APE

It’s on my credit card bill. Five dollar charge to Metro Entertainment.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

Sounds like a phone sex charge.

APE

(chuckling) No, those things are like $5 a minute.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

Maybe it was a quick call.

APE

(looking up from his screen) What are you trying to say?

Fade to black.

INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY A large house in Somerville, MA.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

Where’s the phone bill?

APE #1

Oh, I paid it.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

You paid the phone bill already?

APE #1

Yeah.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

Well how much do I owe you?

APE #1

Oh, don’t worry about it.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

What? No come on, how much do I owe?

APE #1

No don’t worry about it, I got it.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

(Puzzled frown) If you say so…

INT-KITCHEN-NEXT MORNING

APE #2

Hey did you hear about the phone bill?

RED-HAIRED GIRL

Just that Ape #1 said he paid it.

APE #2

(Laughing) He logged on to some Brazilian porn site that billed your phone bill, and the bill was like $300.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

$300? What’s so special about Brazilian porn?  Isn’t there plenty of free porn on the web?

APE #2

I guess he has expensive taste.

Fade to black.

This week’s Friday House of the Apes is coming early due to the Thanksgiving holiday…happy holidays everybody, hug an ape this weekend!

INT-NIGHT-A large house in Somerville, Mass. On the second floor RED-HAIRED GIRL lies asleep in her purple room under her big blue comforter.

CUT TO: Living room of same house, same night. APE #1 sits on the couch watching a basketball game and building a pyramid of empty beer cans. Once the cans are stacked 5 rows high, he smiles, then knocks the cans onto the floor with a loud crash.

CUT TO: RED HAIRED GIRL jumps in her bed, now awake.

CUT TO: Living room. APE #1 begins throwing empty cans up the staircase. Getting no reaction, he walks a few steps up and starts throwing cans at the closed bedroom door of APE#2, who opens the door and laughs.

APE#2 (laughing)

Not tonight, buddy, I’m wrecked.

He closes his door and APE#1 goes back downstairs to the couch.

CUT TO: RED HAIRED GIRL with her pillow over her head in bed.

CUT TO: INT-NEXT MORNING. RED HAIRED GIRL opens her bedroom door headed to the bathroom to shower. She stops abruptly when she sees the door of APE #2. There is a line of empty beer cans stacked against the door, waiting to crash when it is opened, and just in front of the door, a water-filled condom with an attached note that reads: PROPERTY OF APE#2–DO NOT TOUCH. She continues on to the bathroom.

CUT TO: INT-SAME DAY. RED-HAIRED GIRL in her bedroom after her shower. She hears APE#2’s door open, a crash of empty beer cans, and then a loud groan. A few minutes later she opens her door to leave for work and sees a towel on the floor where the water-filled condom once was. She steps over the towel, and leaves for work.

Fade to black.

Stay tuned for next week: The (belated) $400 phone bill

INT-DAY-Living room of large 4-bedroom house in Somerville, Mass. 

RED-HAIRED GIRL

Can I use your laptop for a second while I’m down here?

APE #1

Sure.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

Why are the buttons all sticky?

INT-NEXT DAY-BATHROOM

RED-HAIRED GIRL

I know I threw that Victoria’s Secret catalog out, what is it doing on the back of the toilet?

She brushes coffee grinds off the cover and tosses the catalog in the trash. She turns to the sink to wash her hands, and stops.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

And why is my lavender lotion sitting out on the counter?

INT-NEXT DAY-LIVING ROOM. Red-haired girl attempts to shove her videotape of Barton Fink into the VCR atop the television, but realizes there is already a tape in the machine. She hits eject, then rubs her fingers together.

RED-HAIRED GIRL

Why are the VCR buttons so greasy?

She removes an unlabelled black videotape from the machine and groans.

Fade to black.

Stay tuned for next week–The Mysterious $400 Phone Bill (or, Who Called Brazil at 3am on a Tuesday Night?)

INT. NIGHT. A large living room in a house in Somerville, Mass. Two twentysomething men are watching a football game and drinking beer. A promo for the D.C. Sniper movie comes on during a commercial break.

APE #1

You know Cynthia said her dad is a Montgomery County policeman.

APE #2

No way.

APE #1

Yeah.

APE #3 (entering from Kitchen with three beers in hand)

Hey you know Cynthia said her dad is a Montgomery County policeman.

APES 1 and 3 (in unison)

No shit! You’re a fucking genius.

APE #3 (confused)

But she said he’s retired.

APE #1

No way, she told me he was still a cop!

APE #3

No, I think she said he’s retired.

APE #1

Fuck you, she said he’s a cop.

APE #2

LET’S WAKE HER UP!

Fade to black.

Stay tuned for next week: The Lonely Beer-Swilling Ape.

new Friday feature: Scenes from HOUSE OF THE APES

Setting: Kitchen of a large house in Somerville, Mass. A thermostat on the wall is set to 58 degrees. Several pieces of paper are posted on the wall a few inches away.

Note #1 (boy handwriting)
DO NOT PUT THE HEAT TO 70 DEGREES

Note #2 (girl handwriting)
DON’T LEAVE IT AT 60 EITHER, IT’S TOO FUCKING COLD

Note #3 (boy handwriting)
PUT ON A FUCKING SWEATER!
AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, TURN OFF THE TOASTER OVEN WHEN YOU’RE DONE WITH IT!

Fade to black.

Stay tuned for next week: The Porn Battle (or, Why Are the VCR Buttons So Greasy?)