Dowbrigade

A major research institution has just announced the
discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element
has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron,
12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together
by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons. Because Governmentium has no electrons, it is
inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes
one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take
less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years;
it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time because
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to
as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy
because it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Robert Kraft (L) and Rupert Murdoch watched President
Vladimir Putin try on the Patriots ring before he pocketed it. (Kommersant
Photo / Dmitry Azarov

Slick move, Vlad…

The owner of the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft,
is missing his 2005 Super Bowl ring, and the bauble appears to have been
pocketed by President Putin of Russia.

That is the story that was being pieced together yesterday evening following
a report in the Russian press and buzz from an e-mail. In that message,
a consultant related details from a businessman who was present at a
meeting last weekend between a group of American executives and the steely
ex-KGB agent to talk about investment in Russia. According to the account
contained in the e-mail and elaborated on to The New York Sun by several
sources, Mr. Kraft made the mistake of pulling the diamond-encrusted,
14-karat, white-gold Super Bowl ring off his hand to give his host a
closer look.

It was the last time, according to these sources, that the owner of the
New England Patriots football team saw the ring, a gaudy piece of jewelry
that could easily be sold on eBay at the cost of a small yacht and that
its proud owner may not have wished to part with permanently at any price.

from the New York Sun