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 A major research institution has just announced the
discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element
has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron,
12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together
by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons. Because Governmentium has no electrons, it is
inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes
one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take
less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years;
it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time because
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to
as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy
because it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
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