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 Scene: A PTA conference in 2012.
Concerned mother: I know this is the best school in the district, but
I’m a bit concerned about my darling Phoebe’s academic progress. Thanksgiving
is coming up and Phoebe’s says you haven’t done any math yet at all!
8th Grade Teacher: Well, Mrs. McGillicutty, that is technically correct. As
you know, the first segment of the school year is devoted to Intelligent
Design, because as President Bush said, we have to present all the alternatives
to Evolution, and let the kids decide for themselves.
Concerned mother: Yes, I understand that, and I remember when the other
Bush, was it the second or the third, changed the law to include alternatives
in the curriculum, but…
8th Grade Teacher: But after we finished with intelligent design, we had
to cover all the other alternatives. The second half of September and
the first half of October we spent on the Classic Creation Theories - the
ancient Sumerarian theory which tells of the great battle between the sky
god Marduk and the earth goddess Tiamat, the Egyptian story of Atum, the
creator, and the Greek module, which I rather enjoyed, as their theory is
that Love came first and is responsible for the rest of creation. At least they dropped that damned Hittite perversion
from the curriculum. I
think the part that got them was…..(reads from a well-worn reference work
on her bookshelf)
He (Kumarbi) bit his "knees" and his manhood went down into
his inside. When it lodged there (and) when Kumarbi had swallowed Anu’s
manhood, he rejoiced and laughed. Anu turned back to him, to Kumarbi he
began to speak: "Thou rejoicest over thine inside, because thou hast
swallowed my manhood.
Concerned Mother: Well, I can certainly see why! But it still seems like
you could have found some time for Math. Phoebe’s also said there was no
Science so far…
Teacher: Science? What do you think these evolutionary alternatives are!
Just because a group of thinkers doesn’t wear white lab coats or work at
Ivy leagues universities doesn’t mean they aren’t scientific. We
can’t just IGNORE their theories because they don’t fit with some Godless
ideas of "science". We can’t skip over the Native American theories, that would be Eurocentric and racist! The Five Tribes of the Iroquois, for example, have a theory that
we evolved on the back of a giant turtle.
Actually, the Native American Module won’t be finished until Christmas. There
are 47 separate theories to cover in that unit alone. This week we are discussion
the Huron theory, which involves a waterworld scenario until a celestial
woman is dropped into the ocean. Then we move on to the Aztec theory, which
features a cute character called
Coatlique the Lady of the Skirt of Snakes who was created in the image
of the unknown,
decorated
with skulls, snakes, and lacerated hands. And then the Mayan flood stories.
Mother: My goodness, it’s a wonder you manage to teach anything else!
Teacher: We don’t! After President Rice passed the Equality in Educational
Debate Act, we had to include the main theories to offer an alternative
to godless science. It was a good idea at first, but then all the
special interest groups started demanding that their own theories be included. First
it was the American Stock Movement getting the Norse theory involving fire
and ice and the primeval giant Ymir.
Then, of course, the NAACP demanded that the entire month of February,
being Black History month, be devoted to African creation theories. We
cover the Yoruba, Mande, Olori, Abaluyia, Zulu and Bantu.
In March, we do the Hawaiian theory about Pele, and her magic stick
Pa’oa, and the Alaskan Intuit tradition involving a man with a Raven’s head
and beak. After that we move on to a module on our friends in Asia -
old best friend Japan, who say the eternal land ruler, Kunitokotatchi,
stood on the
floating bridge of heaven and stirred the ocean with a jeweled spear until
it curdled, which created the first island, Onokoro, and our new best friend,
China, who maintain that an intelligent Heavenly King spit into his hand,
clapped, and started the whole creation process.
Hopefully, by May, we may have time for some math and English before we
break for summer vacation, when we teachers have to go back to school for
three months of intensive training in the latest state ordained curriculum
adjustments.
But don’t worry, Mrs. McGillicutty, Phoebe’s is not in danger of falling
behind other kids in the college entrance competition - thanks to the Supreme
Court, every kid in the country is doing the same thing. Thank God,
by the end of the school year they will be able to make up their own minds
about who they are and where they came from.
Concerned Mother: I suppose. At least, it’s just this year that they are
studying biology, right?
Teacher: Well, actually, next year we will be studying Environmental
Science, and the Senate is considering legislation requiring schools to present
alternate theories on Global Warming, the effects of dioxin, Declining Species
(endangered is so ‘negative’), Biodiversity and the Transformation of the
Rain Forest.
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