f/k/a . . .

Below is the letter we plan to send ASAP to the Department of Justice,  

so they will understand that all the strange querists, who come to this

weblog based on kinky search engine queries, got here inadvertently. 

We’re into legal commentary and genuine haiku, not pornography (and,  

our constructive criticism of the present Administration is really quite 

de minimis and proffered with all due respect) 

 

  

  Horn’s Lady Justice   

to:  Department of Justice, Pornography Desk

        cc: Political Enemies Department

             Organized Crime Unit

 

re: Inadvertent Visitors to f/k/a

 

It has come to our attention that your Department came into

possession last year of certain search engine query records, and

similar information, and are seeking even more from Google.com., 

as part of your efforts to demonstrate the need for the Children’s

Online Protection Act (COPA). [Boston Globe, "Google Subpoena

Roils the web," Jan. 21, 2006; Search EngineWatch, "The Day After:

Points in the Search Trust Sweepstakes," Jan.20, 2006; MSN

Search's Weblog, Privacy and MSN Search, January. 20, 2006;

NYT, "Google Resists,"  Jan. 20, 2006; Schneier on Security;

Daniel Solove, "Government vs. Google," "Perhaps Do Some Good",

Jan. 20, 2006; and Deep Links, "DOJ Gone Google-Fishin')

 

                                                                                  

 

Your strategy, as we understand it, is to show that (even with por-

nography websites using special filters to keep out minors) children

can now enter innocuous queries into search engine and be taken to X-

rated websites.  Contrary to advice from our counsel, we, the editorial

staff and proprietor of f/k/a, are writing at this time, in case the Depart-

ment is also concerned about the inverse situation, where perverted or

kinky-sounding search questions lead to perfectly innocuous websites

and materials, such as ours. 

 

We refer to such visitors as "Inadvertent Searchees" and -- to our great

regret -- a significant portion of our website hits fall into the IS category.  

We are writing in a good-faith effort to deter any future investigation of us

by your staff, due to our receiving those wayard hits.    In fact, we believe

that improved search algorithms and strategies by the major search engines,

and better self-imposed filters by each of them, would save blameless sites

like ours from the inadvertent (and unsolicited) visitors.

       "tinyredcheck"  To summarize our position: It's Google's fault!

-- and Yahoo!, MSN, and Ask Jeeves, too.   We can't help it

if our poetry and commentary cover many aspects of life, which

get twisted and connected out of context by poorly-designed

software. Cf. a Google blind date (May 13, 2005)

 

using his nose
the dog searches
the violets

    

   Kobayashi Issa

     translated by David G. Lanoue

 

     We have no idea how many of f/k/a's Inadvertent

Searchees are under-aged.  You can rest assured, however, that

we would never have received the Blawg Review 2005 Creative

Lawyer Blog Award, if we were not a family-friendly website. 

[By the way, as we hope you know, f/k/a means "formerly known as," and

is not an alternative or deceptive spelling of a term that is often preceded

by the word "mother-" and found in unsavory places and mouths.]

 

night in the hut
searching on the shelf
. . . katydid

 

   Kobayashi Issa

       translated by David G. Lanoue

 

With that explanation, we want to list for you a representative sample

of questionable search terms that have resulted in Negligently Inadvertent

Search Results, leading to our site.   You can find a perfectly innocent

explanation for each of them by going to our Inadvertent Searchee pages 

and doing a little scrolling.

 

“googleSignN”

For example, although each of the following queries yielded

a link to an f/k/a post at or near the top of Google or Yahoo!

search results, we were clearly unjustly selected, as our

materials were neither published with lascivious intent, nor

aimed at either children or so-called Mature Audiences, and

had no connection whatever with bestiality, illegal drugs, or

either satanic or bondage rituals.

  ex with animals> man wink> judge urinate nyc>  

  adolescent wiccans”> “ghosts who kill”> 

 

sexual relations with clients> new ethical porno>  

 teenyboppers undressed> 

 

waiting undressed

for the new doctor -

cold feet

 

    dagosan

 

what does it mean if you get your period a week early>

 misuse of ellipses>  tripping over dogs with dementia> 

 

wanita young cookies>   sexy threesome postures>

pout group discussion>

a good pout

rudely interrupted

by impatiens

 

   dagosan

 

the farting contest

begins again –

winter seclusion

 

   Issa,

     translated by David G. Lanoue

 

woman farting on blind date> soup slurping complaints> 

how to make a two year old behave> 

 

poems about the devil (ABA)> 

fires on the mountain -

look like Buddha

look like devil

 

    Issa,

     translated by David G. Lanoue

 

naked cheerleaders morrow county>

“illegal to show sexually explicit movies in vehicles”>

 

baring summer tan lines>

late summer–
baring the tan line
on my wrist

 

     Alice Frampton

decapitated tulips> wife+rump>

hots moms> 

 

 

family picnic

the new wife’s rump

bigger than mine

                                           Roberta Beary 

                                              modern haiku 34-3

 

 

     “red hots”

for an instant i’m ten

           and

  father’s still alive

 

       Ed Markowski

 

“spotlightS”

 

While we have your attention, we would also like to

clarify that the proprietor of this weblog has no ties of

any sort with organized crime, and does not espouse

the use of violence (even against members of the bar),

despite the results of the following search queries:

 

gumba meaning Italian>

 

                                          alito finito Italian>

                                                             

 

giacalone cement>          

 

money mob>

 

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers loyalty>

 

                                           omerta in New Jersey>

 

 

 

Finally, we want to assure all DOJ staffers and 

management that the results of the following search queries

have nothing to do with disrespect for the Office of the

Presidency or the current occupant thereof on the part of

the editors of this website.  Honest.

 

   teach humility>  misuse of ellipses>

   distinguishing participle from gerund> 

passive liar> Something Bad Has Begun>

Lawyers’ Day> reversing bad karma>

  the scarecrow is president>

 

in a fine spot

for moongazing …

scarecrow

 

   Issa,

     translated by David G. Lanoue

 

If you have any questions about any issue or fact

raised above, feel free to contact Prof. Yabut, our

counsel. 

 

respectfully submitted,

The f/k/a Gang

 

p.s.  Because your Department favors the small entrepeneur, we

hope you will leave the folks at Scroogle alone. They are providing

an important service for people who would like to use search engines

anonymously.  (via Robert Ambrogi’s Lawsites, Jan. 21, 2006)  Give

Clusty, which offers clustered search engine results and no tracking,

a break, too.  Finally, please forgive Jon Swift his trespasses – all

those excuses sound pretty good to us. Thanks.