Lead, Kindly Light

I just finished watching a 1989 film starring Morgan Freeman, called “Lean on Me.” It’s based on a true story of a high school principal in New Jersey named Joe Clark, who turned around a school that most people had given up on. It was such an inspirational film – it almost made me want to quit law and go into teaching, or school administration, or something that could have a more direct and immediate impact on this society’s children. Of course, I know that I lack the experience that I’d need – and I grossly lack the type of understanding of poor, suffering communities and populations that made Joe Clark great.

It got me thinking, though. I have a whole career in front of me. And I really, really want to make a difference. Preferably in the lives of children and teenagers who are sent through the juvenile justice system… but I’ll take making a difference in the lives of prisoners, or victims oppressed by gang violence and organized crime, or mentoring disadvantaged kids and adults. I just really want to make a mark on this world.

But how?

Here I am, twenty-something years old and about to graduate with a fancy law degree, and headed to a large law firm in Manhattan.  How will I get from the law firm to changing people’s lives? What are all the steps required in-between? And am I on the right track? Or am I just another dreamer who will spend her life admiring people who make the sacrifices and reap real rewards, while remaining on the outside looking in? I hope to heaven that won’t be me…

While out with Peter today, I brought up to him the fact that sometimes I wish I’d never been born. Don’t freak out; I’m not depressed. But what I mean is this – that as someone who believes in eternity, it’s a big responsibility, to be a human being. The moment you’re born, you are born into an eternal scheme–one that doesn’t end at earthly death, but one that continues on into forever. As I told Peter, if I didn’t believe in forever, life would be a lot easier because after sixty, seventy, eighty years–you’re done and that’s that.

But that’s not the life we live. Like a ray, which begins at a point and continues to infinity, our lives as humans transcend our relatively brief time on Earth. Yet there are lasting consequences to the beliefs we hold, the choices we make, the things we do with our lives here. I want my life to have value–but sometimes the weight of that challenge seems too much to contemplate.

Peter’s response was this – that when running a long and hard race, he doesn’t forget about the end – but he does focus on what is right in front of him, focusing on the present moment and the immediate leg of the race. It was, I suppose, his de-spiritualized way of echoing my oft-repeated borrowed wisdom of, “Live God-centered days to live God-centered years.”

It was a good reminder. And in the end, God just calls us to obedience – He may call us to obey Him in things small and great. I need more faith, I need more trust, and I need more obedience. Lord have mercy.