Prayers as of Late, and an Imaginary Conversation with God
I remember when I was a 1L and my Da Ge Ge (big brother) was a 3L, at our morning prayer meetings at 8am (gosh, those were the days!) I remember his request during his second and last semester was to “finish well.” Especially now that I live off-campus and have my own space, it’s easy for me to withdraw when I’m stressed (like now!) and not interact with people. But I’ve been trying to pray that I, too, would “finish well” and make the most of my time here in law school while I can. As my dear Da Jie Jie (big sister) said, these days will never come again.
I’ve also been praying for hope and more faith. Some people think it’s ridiculous when I tell them that I always need prayer for a lot more faith because I have so little – but people who think that’s ridiculous don’t understand how meager my faith can be. I almost never doubt God’s power, and I absolutely never doubt His holiness and perfection. And usually, I don’t doubt His love for other people. But somehow, when it comes to His love for me – five times out of ten, the thought brings me to tears because I have trouble believing that it’s true. I mean – I get it – that when Jesus died for the sins of the world, my sins were included in that… but when I think about the fact that God loves ME and knows ME individually, and has been watching me ever since He decided to create me, and He knows every time I laugh, and He sees every tear I cry, and He is aware of all my bad words, deeds, and thoughts (yikes!)…and still loves me – then I get to thinking, what is love, anyway? And I lack understanding of HOW God in all His holiness and greatness could possibly love me. I don’t get it. So I need more faith and hope in that area – because from that understanding that God loves me will come a wealth of other things like trusting in Him and obeying Him more…
The third thing I’ve been praying for increasingly is that God will prepare me for what He wants me to be and do in the future. Just as a coach knows what his runners need to train for a marathon, my God knows exactly what I need in order to run His race. And as the runner, I don’t understand the purpose of running boring laps in a circle all the time; or weaving down a field in a “grapevine” foot pattern; or hitting my knees with the palms of my hands every time I run – but the Coach knows that’s what will make me a better runner in the Race that matters.
…and so it is with this life. I go through various trials, certain hardships, particular boredoms and anxieties – and I wonder – Lord, can we be done with this? Does this really have a point? Can we skip over this and get to the good stuff? And I am praying now for more wisdom to see that God can see way more than I can, and I need to trust Him as He says, “Calm down, my child, you’ll see it all work for good in the end.”
And finally, I’m praying for patience. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been impatient with being patient. Improvements have been made over time – especially when it comes to dealing with my fellow human being – but when it comes to being patient with God…I don’t do so well in that category, especially when it comes to certain subjects. But – I just thought of an analogy this evening, based loosely off of something I’d heard before. I’m just coming up with this off the cuff – but I hope it gets the point across -
Me: God, whatcha got there? I’m hungryyyy.
God: Hold on – I’m working on it.
Me: But I want to eat NOOOWWW…. hey, You have a couple eggs in front of You. Why can’t You just fry up some eggs for me? Could I have them scrambled too, with some spinach and cheese inside? Yummm…
God: No, I’m not going to fry you any eggs with spinach and cheese. In fact, I’m not going to fry you any eggs at all.
Me: Then why are the eggs there? Why do You put this stuff in front of me to tempt me and then You don’t give it to me? That’s not very nice. Or wait–You’re going to give one egg to Neighbor, aren’t You? And You’re going to give the other egg to Other Neighbor, aren’t You? Don’t You see that I’m HUNGRY here, Lord! Those eggs are just what I neeeeeed!
God: Hold on, my child. I’ve got a better plan. Look – see – I also have sugar.
Me: Ooh, if I can’t have the eggs, I’ll take the sugar. Can I please have some sugar? Pleeeease?
God: No, child – you can’t. Not right now, and not like this. I’ve got better plans for the sugar.
Me: Ugh. Dangling things in front of me AGAIN! Just yesterday You gave Friend some sugar – how come You won’t give me eggs AND You won’t give me sugar?
God: When I gave Friend the sugar, that was different. I gave Friend a cup of tea, and the sugar went with the tea. Your sugar is for something different, so you can’t have it now.
Me: But I’m HUNNNNGRY, God! Staaaarving.
God: Here, take this flour if you’re so hungry.
Me: Nooo. I don’t WANT any flour. I don’t want flour for anything. It doesn’t taste like anything. It’s just white and powdery and…bleccchhhh. God, You have eggs, and You have sugar–why are You being so mean as to just offer me flour?
[you get the idea, on and on, but THEN....an hour later]
Me: God, I’ve long gotten tired of asking You for things to quell my hunger. I’m not going to trust You to feed me. I’ll just go out to the garden and see what I can find for myself, since YOU WON’T FEED ME.
God: My child, come back here. Don’t you see what I’ve placed on the table for you? When you were griping and complaining about being hungry, did you think I didn’t know? Did you think I didn’t care? When you asked for eggs – you thought that’s what you needed and wanted, and when you asked for sugar because I wouldn’t give you the eggs, you were just settling for second-best. And when I offered you the flour finally, you dismissed it as having no value… and now you want to go traipse into the garden and forage for yourself? Good luck! There are only weeds out there! But look here… don’t you see? All this time, I had a better plan – a more magnificent plan – a more perfect plan… a more delicious plan.
Me: A creme de menthe cake! With green cool whip frosting!!! One of my favorite cakes EVER!
God: You see now, my child, why I wouldn’t give you the eggs – or the sugar – and why I insisted that you should take the flour… I had better things in store for you. I love you, and will always provide for you. But you really do need to learn to trust me.
…indeed, Lord, I do.