Lead, Kindly Light

A surreal three-ring circus – now a two-ring circus.

Suddenly I have to think about the things that I really want

and wonder if I really want the things that I think I want

and wonder whether I should want the things I do want

and wonder if there are things that I think I don’t want, that I ought to want.

Or really do want.

How did things get so complex?

One appears good – then misses the boat

Another appears good – and takes over the sails

And then yet another appears – from the long-buried past – and threatens to up-end everything.

I pray, and get muddled answers.

Clarity – be clear!

I’m tired, and I’m confused.

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

-Small Wonders, Rob Thomas.

Things we’re praying for in Bible study… I wanted to write these down so that I wouldn’t forget… and also so I can look back in the future, and hopefully celebrate the answered prayers that God provided along the way.

1. God’s guidance in helping us deliberately expose ourselves to environments in which social injustices occur. One benefit that the upwardly mobile enjoy is the ability to pay money in exchange for a “buffer zone” between them and the rest of society. And as we get older, our social and professional circles grow, but they do so in a way that tends to envelop us further and tighter into circles filled with people just like us. But in these circles of wealth and privilege, all of which are above the fray, we can easily lose sight of the harsh realities of injustices occurring all around us. We need God’s help to dedicate ourselves to regular exposure and relationship-building within communities apart from our “normal” circles.

2. God’s vision for us as individuals – in terms of where He wants us to focus our primary resources and attention. We ought to be mindful of injustices that occur around the country and around the world, but God created the global Church as a Body for a reason… and any one Christ-follower should not despair because he feels that the weight of the world is too much for him to carry. We each need a clear vision of our piece or set of pieces – and pray for those taking care of the rest.

3.  God building us up spiritually and preparing us as we grow in Him and learn to serve Him with courage and wisdom. It’s a long haul – this life – and we can’t expect to understand everything well now… but we do need to pray for God’s cultivation of a heart for justice in us… and for His continual increasing of that heart as He sends us out to do His work.

Now it is 2008, the year we are due to graduate, magically sprout legal wings, and fly off into some unknown but allegedly glorious sunset. Nowadays, it seems I am as busy as I was during 1L year, thought for less academic reasons than back then. It would be easy–all too easy–to let this wave of months pass swiftly by, and collapse suddenly onto the doorstep of graduation on June 5th without ever stopping to contemplate the last three years and what they have brought, what they have meant, what we will take away from them. And what we have (and haven’t) done with them.

I don’t want to just fly through my last semester–though it seems I’m failing in my ambition to savor the last several months of sweet freedom as a student. At times I wonder why it is that I am so busy, and I just want to pull out the remote control on my life and press MUTE, and press PAUSE–and just be. Just spend a day watching the sun rise over the Charles River; just sit in the Hark by the fire and curl up with a non-textbook; just engage in spontaneous, unscheduled fun with dear friends who (I can hardly bear to let my mind admit it) after these couple months will no longer be physically/proximately accessible; just walk on the brick-lined sidewalks of this town and just take it all in. And reflect. And save up all the sights, sounds, smells, and store them away safely in my memory for that moment in the future when I dream about being back in yesterday.

* * *

Our lives are designed to be absolutely crammed. Surely you are as aware of this as I am. Especially in the legal and consulting worlds–being busy is just par for the course. Recently I’ve had occasion to see how some other people outside our field live, and I’ve seen how there can be a distinction between leading a BUSY life, and living a FULL life. I know that in every person’s heart, there is a desire for the latter over the former. But oh, how we conflate the two.

I wonder sometimes at the dreams we dream. Both you and I dream big – it’s one of the many reasons we get along (when we do). So I know you’ll understand when I talk about this stuff… I like my dreams. I like having something grand and wonderful to work toward. And I like knowing that in my work, in this mission, I am doing what I was made to do.

But recent conversations have made me pause to reflect again… am I just deceiving myself? Have I been clothing my ambitions with spiritual overtones to justify my goals? Or are the ends themselves truly legitimate and God-given visions? The answers to these questions are crucial, for in them lie the difference between living a life that is merely busy, and a life that is full. I don’t want to wake up in twenty years and realize that I’d been blindly mistaken all along.

We’ve been given a lot in the way of love, familial support, education, material resources, and opportunities – and God has demanded our stewardship of these things in order to serve Him, build His kingdom, and reach out to a world that is lost in pain, hate, suffering, and sin. What does that stewardship look like?

Yesterday’s sermon at church was about laying down our lives in order to advance the cause of salvation for others (acknowledging, of course, that only God can save people). Truly, there is no greater love than this – than man laying down his life for another. And the message resonated with me, but…at the same time, I remember pushing back in my soul…laying down our lives and not just surrendering, but surrendering all … just seems so… counterintuitive to my human nature, counterintuitive to my desires and wants (and laziness and selfishness), and I somewhat question whether I’m really willing to follow Jesus wholeheartedly in that call. And yet–what right have I to resist? On what grounds can I state my reluctance? I have none.

You see how all these mental wanderings relate.. as we approach our end point and approach a new commencement, I want to have a clear idea of my goals and commitments, and be sure that they align with God’s calling. This place has been great, but it can corrupt. I feel like I need an antivirus to scan my mind and heart to ferret out the spyware that has infected and taken root, unbeknownst to me. I want to start the next chapter right. God help us.

“I’m glad you’re ready to re-contemplate the issue of women and work. It is an important one, and while you will hear many voices offering different advice, you have to find the path that you feel is right for you.”

Maybe more on this later.

squares of yellow

bearing my scribble and scrawl

in glaring red sarasa ink

echo advice given from over the oceans

encouragement sent over state lines

from sisters who care and love and

dream only good dreams

as I do for them.

thank heaven for the internet.

squares of yellow

taped up on the wall

above my desk

where my eyes can glance

just north of my screen

and be reminded:

hold the bar high

hold on to your heart

hold fast to your dreams

let God hold you.

ecsyl 3.5.08

I’ll start this off by saying that I’m glad I’m one of you. Not in a super-feminist sort of way, like women rule! and female power! and all that – but just…I’m glad I’ve got XX chromosomes and not just because they match. Women are a special breed, created by God to aid men in a beautiful partnership and relationship that is meant to mirror the love between God and us, His Bride, the Church. God made females on purpose, and He said it was good.

There are a lot of privileges that come with being a sister, but one of the not-so-nice things about being a sister is that we’re expected to wait on certain things. And Lord knows we’re waiting, and we’ve been waiting. Along the way, we’ve been encouraged by seeing other sisters go from misses to Mrs., but we’d be lying if we said we didn’t wish at least once every time that it was us. There are, of course, other things going on in our lives besides this not-so-minor detail – but the other ones seem to require less stress because we mostly have the means and freedom to make the rest of those dreams happen. Some mix of diligence, intelligence, and God’s selective use of revolving doors generally gets us close to where He wants us to go.

But then there are some things that are completely out of our control. Particularly when it comes to issues relating to our brothers. I heard from a sister this evening (she’s the inspiration for this letter) and I could sense her anguish and anxiety over all of this. She’s a strong woman, ladies, don’t get me wrong. I look up to this sister and in the short amount of time that I’ve known her, I’ve grown to respect her as a sort of exemplar among us. Her heart is steadily fixed on Christ, her sense of compassion is readily attuned to hurting hearts in this world, and her generosity and humility of spirit amaze me time and time again. And at the same time, she’s so human. And I love her for it. I love her for her ability to cry and be broken and get frustrated and wonder at the way things are…and I love her for her craning her neck towards God at the end of all of that – and her strong desire to bend her own self to His will.

But especially after reading this email tonight, I feel the need to say something. Because for all of my sister’s great virtues and for all of her humanity showcased in this instant, I just get the sense that her anguish at least this time around could be avoided. And I would prefer that for her – that she would be spared this grief, this time.

And simplistic as this thought may be, I feel that God’s strategic use of a good sister could help avert this kind of disaster. Every brother needs a good sister (or better yet, a set of sisters) to tell him what’s up, to tell him what’s okay to do and what’s just plain stupid. Men aren’t dumb – they are as amazing as women (though often in totally different respects) – but sometimes…they just don’t get it. There is a reason why God created a partner for Adam, right? Just as we sisters need men to lead and guide us spiritually…well, men need help in other ways.
So sisters, we need to stand up with and for our sisters and our brothers. By standing up with our brothers – engaging them, keeping tabs on them, being loving and forgiving and gentle in our offerings of advice and care and prayer – we guard our other sisters who have special sorts of interactions with our brothers. It’s a rough road we all roam on this earth, and for most of us part of that road involves a walk to the altar – but getting from point B to that point A is a tough business for many of us. So we need to help each other out, take care of one another, and use the particular gifts and opportunities that God has given each of us.

And we each know a brother – that guy whom we call upon to kill spiders for us, the guy who gives solid Biblical advice, the guy who helps us move our stuff from old living space to new living space year after year. They love us and we love them – but along the way, we need to demonstrate that love by watching out for them – because they have all sorts of gifts and talents, but…sometimes when it comes to matters of the heart, they truly don’t know what they do. But if each of us works with our brothers…prays for them…is there for them… at least they can get another helpful perspective on stuff – and the other sisters will weep a little less and laugh a little more.

Dear sister, wherever you are right now, I’ve got your back. Praying for you…praying for us all.