Lead, Kindly Light

Days like these make me want to take a walk by the river – a long, long walk by the river, through and out of the city until nightfall when the light is gone and only the stars can see me still trudging along by the water. Outside the city, way past the bustle and crowd, I’d like to shrink drastically in size, crawl beneath a rock and hide.

I can’t do that, of course. I don’t have the time, and it’s not really all that safe. Oh, and there’s the practical problem of not being able to shrink drastically in size. Heh.

So, resorting to a habit dating back to childhood, I turn inward. If I can’t physically coil up and hide under a rock for real, at least I can coil up in my spirit and in my self – curl up into a pitiful little pile of patheticness. Withdraw from the world, from my friends, from my family, and just be with me… and sit there for a while, pondering my misery. Especially this time around, I feel heightened shame. I have no right to be so upset. I have a right to be a little upset–but not magnified-upset. Yet… here I am.

I’d write more, but even I’m too ashamed to discuss so publicly my bad reactions to this situation. After garnering a little – but not enough – sympathy from my parents, I hung up with them in a huff and yelled a loud curse to no one in particular in the kitchen. I almost never swear, but this is the ugliness that comes out in situations like this. And it’s so stupid. And sinful.

Pretty quickly after that, I realized who I needed to talk to. I dug out my guitar, tuned it up, and dug out some worship songs. It can never hurt to reflect on the beauty of who God is. And there’s nothing like remembering and approaching the throne of grace and reflecting on Jesus’s sacrifice of love on the cross to make a person feel utterly humbled.

Turning upward was what I needed all along. Turning inward only led me to see … well, just me – sinful old me. No wonder that only bred more selfishness and grumpiness and sin. Turning upward, looking to Jesus and singing to Him, reflecting on His love and mercy – that is the only thing that can lift me from where I am. It also helped to be able to turn to God, who knows every bit of my inadequacy and sinfulness, and know that He loves me absolutely unconditionally.

Sigh. It’s actually making me tear up right now, to think that the God of the universe – who KNOWS all the crazy bad things I’ve done and has seen me struggle through my incredibly imperfect life, loves me still. He sees my ugly and unrighteous frustration, and my selfish tendencies, and He forgives me for it even though I totally don’t deserve it. Even today, when all I want to do is shrink and hide, God lovingly reaches down to me, and beckons me to come to Him, and experience His love and comfort and gentle mercy.

Here I am, humbled by the love that You give; forgiven so that I can forgive…
Now I know the greatest love of all is mine
Since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice…
Majesty, majesty, Your grace has found me just as I am - 
Empty-handed but alive in Your hands…
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty