Lesson of the Day
The bar exam is only thirteen days away, and I’ve been starting to stress out a lot more this past week. Though I had kept it at bay as long as possible, one inevitable question began appearing in my conversations — “What if I fail?”
The answers I received to that question varied greatly depending on who I asked. When I asked my dear friends who are also studying for the bar with me, the question launched a detailed and heated series of conjectures about whether our firms would retain us, what our chances of passing the second time around were, and the odds of actually failing the first time. When I expressed my worries to friends and family outside of the world of Bar/Bri, though, I was met mostly with shrugs. “So your pride gets hurt,” my dad said. A college friend replied, “You take it again and pass. No problem.”
It wasn’t easy to accept the latter responses, or to take them seriously. I immediately thought — surely failing the bar exam has more serious consequences than a simple blow to pride (which, I might add, is no small thing!), and the situation must call for something more complex than just whipping out my number-two pencils again in February 2009 and passing it the next time around! … At the same time, I knew there was a lot of truth in what I’d been told — especially since both reactions came from people who really care about me. And the hard part about that was admitting to myself that maybe I’ve been blowing things out of proportion and losing some perspective.
This morning, my college friend sent me a Hallmark e-card — the same one, incidentally, that my best friend sent to me before I took my LSAT exam over four years ago. In it, I read this message: “‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.’ – Prv. 3:5-6 This has helped keep me sane and I thought I’d pass it along. God has gifted you in amazing ways and he is faithful. I’ll keep praying for peace and memory and confidence for you, and some sanity too.”
We were on our second break in this morning’s 4-1/2 hour long bar class when I read the e-card, and the impact of its message has been huge. In particular, that old familiar verse from Proverbs has played and replayed in my mind all day, and I have felt a much greater peace about the exam. I must remember that it’s my job to study and to prepare for this exam, and it’s my duty to work hard. And by studying eight to twelve hours a day (sometimes more, like today) , every day, I’m fulfilling that duty. Beyond this, however, it’s up to God to work things out for me.
And the thing is — how small must my faith be, if I think that He is going to lead me all the way from a poor public school, to a state college, to a great law school, and a fantastic employment opportunity in the city — just to have me fail the New York bar exam. I mean, come on. Even as I type the words on the screen, it sounds absurd to me. No wonder the verse says, “Lean not on your own understanding“!
Furthermore, even if I do fail (which I don’t intend to do), I will pass the next time. And life will move on — and that blip on the screen will not change the long and short of the bigger picture and the things that really matter. Now and at all times, the point remains that it’s all about trusting in God for all things in life — from the bar exam, to keeping a job in an economic downturn to finding a life partner, to having opportunities to impact other people’s lives, all the way to eternal security and salvation.
The bottom line is — and the lesson of the day is — if I keep my eyes on the real prize, and my trust and hope thrusted Godward, it will all work itself out in the end. Or rather, God will work all things out in the end. And that’s the best place I could possibly be — because only heaven knows how straight the paths can be when God is leading the way.