Lead, Kindly Light

I must remember –

Pray with my hands open

Not with them folded,

Not holding on to my will.

Not facing down,

Not closed to what may come.

But palms open to heaven,

Ready to let go,

Ready to receive.

The Lord giveth

and the Lord taketh away

In times of plenty

In times of want

In times of love

In times of doubt

In times of much uncertainty

His name shall still be praised.

The Lord is good,

His love never fails.

He is slow to anger,

Abounding in love.

He gives good gifts–

do I trust enough to receive?

He takes charge of our days–

do I have faith to believe?

With loose hands I come

Bearing a weighty heart

I take all my cares

my doubts

my fears

my hopes

and hold them out

in my loose hands –

And trust You will take them

out of my hands

and replace them

with Yours.

Lord, I know it’s been a while

and it’s time my soul is grumbling

Telling me it’s been feeling empty

And it’s tired of mindless fumbling

Day by day I see You, God,

I pass you on the street

I see Your hand in all creation

In the faces of every one I meet

But my gaze has grown too casual

Sometimes I see straight through

Or I walk right past Your message, Lord,

I need a closer walk with You

My soul is hungry for thirsting, God

It wants to seek You first

It wants to know its only hope

Is in You

Fill my soul with longing for You

Make it seek You every hour

Create desire to walk alongside

And move only through Your love and power.

All at once it feels like it’s been forever, and I kind of wonder what life was really like for so many years before we met. And at the same time, mentally I know only two months have gone by since he first saw me on the subway, not knowing that the stranger he was judging (and not in a good way!) was heading to the very same gathering — and would soon become his plus-one — and it seems so strangely fast.

It started with being “lunchable,” and we just celebrated one month with the penguin letter, Lunchables and Mike’s Hard (berry!) Lemonade in a pot, Avenue Q, our Sunday night prayer, clementines in the morning, a re-do of the first date with lunch at Go Go Curry, lots of quality time, dinner at Fresh Basils, and just more of the same things that we’ve been enjoying for the last thirty days. Caring for, learning about, and delighting in each other. Isn’t this how it’s supposed to be?

He has prayed more than once that God would smile at us, as we smile at each other. It’s a beautiful picture – and I trust that it’s true.

At the end of today, he said, “Sounds like the honeymoon phase to me. I hear it sometimes lasts forever. =)”

And in the back of my mind, I heard Jordin Sparks singing, One step at a time, there’s no need to rush / it’s like learning to fly / or falling in love / it’s gonna happen when it’s supposed to happen / and we find the reasons why / one step at a time…

Maybe. Possibly.

I hope not.

Shared a plate of sushi among friends.

Talked the whole way back, sharing an umbrella in the rain.

Danced in the kitchen.

It’s everything I hoped it would be – and more.

No longer just two individual ones, but one two.

Suddenly life took on a new shape – it felt different. And looked different. Independence started to slowly, almost imperceptibly, evolve toward interdependence. A degree of freedom lost, but in exchange — the chance of a victory to be won.

and always in some kind of a rush.

Speeding past the yellow lights, and tapping my inner foot at the red ones for which I’m forced to stop. Weaving my way down the sidewalk, politely, around those who have opted for a more leisurely pace, but leaving a wake of wind as I pass. Always mentally calculating the fastest, most efficient way to get from Point A to Point B — and efficient could be determined either in terms of saving time or getting more exercise, depending on the day.

And sometimes, as now, even in a hurry to have a chance to slow down, to get rest, to fall asleep.

To see the morning sun streaming through trees and onto my lawn of green, green grass.

To command a courtroom with a mere look, a simple statement, or a well-timed turn.

To understand justice the way God does.

To carry with grace the blessing and burden of wisdom.

To breathe sighs of genuine contentment more often than not.

To love purely and unselfishly.

To be truly generous.

To realize more fully how much I need God.

And then to actually dare to need Him.

To design cards for Hallmark. Or create new ice cream flavors. Or learn flower arrangement.

To have and to hold, and to be had and to be held, as long as we both shall live.

To save the lives of children — figuratively, literally, and spiritually.

To be a good mom.

To never be forgotten.

To die knowing that I did not waste my life.

To make a difference in this world.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow.

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

I’m back in the City, and this time for good — at least for the predictable future. This afternoon, I walked up and down an avenue that will become an oft-used thoroughfare in the weeks, months, and years to come — as long as I retain my residence on the east side. It occurred to me also that this City is now mine; I live here. Permanently. It’s a strange thought.

More than a year has passed since July 4, 2007. I still think about that day sometimes, but not nearly with the same frequency as before, nor with the same degree of that odd roiling mixture of regret, hurt, and sadness. Mostly, I just think about what might have been, and what it could possibly mean — that what might have been never became, and will never become. I still don’t understand the purpose of that whole section of my memory. I don’t know that I ever will.

… It’s okay, though. My life is good, and I am open to whatever God might see fit to toss my way. Sometimes I see favorable attributes of my girlfriends’ husbands or boyfriends, and I pray that God will grant to me a man who is that God-fearing, that patient, that understanding, that [insert positive trait here]…the favorable attributes are many. I’m trying to change my ways, though, and trying to pray instead that God will send the right one, and the one of His choosing, and that I’ll have the wisdom to see who it is.

Because the truth is, no one is going to be all those good things. I’m certainly not all the good things that I’d like to see in my life partner (though I pray that God will cultivate those things in me, too!), and in the end, the most important thing is that God has His way. Whoever He chooses must be the right one, even with whatever faults he brings (and I bring) to the table. As Double Cousin once told me, “You’re not looking for Mr. Good, you’re looking for Mr. Right.”

And only God knows who Mr. Right really is. It’s obviously not the one I thought it might be, so… I just keep stepping along, day by day. Trying to be patient, trying to continue in the way I feel led. Hopefully the paths will intersect at the right time (and soon…?).

It gets difficult to stay hopeful sometimes, because all my closest girlfriends are engaged (or practically engaged) or married. There are moments when I feel like it’s my fault that I’m different and still single at this age. Was it something I did? Is there something I missed? Are my standards too high, or have my standards been too low? Is the status quo going to last?