Lead, Kindly Light

Maybe. Possibly.

I hope not.

Shared a plate of sushi among friends.

Talked the whole way back, sharing an umbrella in the rain.

Danced in the kitchen.

It’s everything I hoped it would be – and more.

No longer just two individual ones, but one two.

Suddenly life took on a new shape – it felt different. And looked different. Independence started to slowly, almost imperceptibly, evolve toward interdependence. A degree of freedom lost, but in exchange — the chance of a victory to be won.

and always in some kind of a rush.

Speeding past the yellow lights, and tapping my inner foot at the red ones for which I’m forced to stop. Weaving my way down the sidewalk, politely, around those who have opted for a more leisurely pace, but leaving a wake of wind as I pass. Always mentally calculating the fastest, most efficient way to get from Point A to Point B — and efficient could be determined either in terms of saving time or getting more exercise, depending on the day.

And sometimes, as now, even in a hurry to have a chance to slow down, to get rest, to fall asleep.

To see the morning sun streaming through trees and onto my lawn of green, green grass.

To command a courtroom with a mere look, a simple statement, or a well-timed turn.

To understand justice the way God does.

To carry with grace the blessing and burden of wisdom.

To breathe sighs of genuine contentment more often than not.

To love purely and unselfishly.

To be truly generous.

To realize more fully how much I need God.

And then to actually dare to need Him.

To design cards for Hallmark. Or create new ice cream flavors. Or learn flower arrangement.

To have and to hold, and to be had and to be held, as long as we both shall live.

To save the lives of children — figuratively, literally, and spiritually.

To be a good mom.

To never be forgotten.

To die knowing that I did not waste my life.

To make a difference in this world.

Finally, a moment to pause, breathe, sit, write.

The last few days have been a huge blur of unpacking gigantic brown cubes of corrugated cardboard secured by bands of long sticky lengths of tape. The floor plans of Home Depot and Bed Bath and Beyond have become familiar in just five days, such that I can walk into either store and find what I’m looking for within five minutes. Scary. And my feet, for the first time in who-knows-how-long, are begging for rest. In this season of moving and transition, I am so grateful that I have the capability to walk, to climb stairs, to lift boxes, to strain my muscles — it’s not fun, but I can’t imagine the frustrations I’d face if God didn’t equip me with the physical health to get me through.

This evening is the first time I’ve settled down at this desk without chaos around me. Finally, we have a couch out in the living room. Finally, our kitchen is unpacked and all the pots and pans have safely found their new cavernous homes in cupboards or on our newly-constructed shelf. Finally, I have reduced the mess in my bedroom to a livable standard that is bordering on neat. I like living in this space; I am grateful to have found not just an apartment — but a home — here in the City.

As for friends, I’ve been flitting about on mandatory breaks from moving. Since arriving here at the end of last week, I met up with eight friends from law school over the weekend, a dear friend from college, and new friends from the church I’ve been visiting. Then tomorrow I plan to have lunch with a former colleague and then have dinner with another new-ish friend who I met this year. I love being with these people, and I feel so blessed to have them here with me. The large network of close friends I have here certainly makes the city feel smaller and more like a home.

Still, I know that this busy schedule is more than just a happily cluttered calendar. I can be honest with myself — I’m darting around. I’m keeping myself occupied. I’m rushing from place to place, scheduling the minutes from waking until sleeping. And all of this — because I’m not at peace. Much as I look at my new apartment and its ambitious vibe as a neat and organized environment… much as I see familiar and well-loved faces… much as I construct list after list of must-dos, would-like-to-dos, and should-dos… I know I’m not really settled here. I may be settled on the outside, but I am hardly settled on the inside — not in all ways, at least.

I’d like to be 100 percent settled on the inside. That certainly would be nice. I’d like to have that feeling that I get when I go home to see my parents and visit SINE… or that feeling that I had in Hong Kong when I visited my brothers and my sister… or that feeling when I saw C in Cali for a week. During those times, it wasn’t the fact that I was on vacation that gave me rest. It was the assurance of complete and unconditional love that gave me rest in my heart, and hence rest in my being. In those environments, in those places, and around those people, I know I am completely and utterly surrounded by love. There’s nothing I have to do to earn that love; it’s mine for the receiving, and mine for giving. That’s a very freeing type of environment, and it frees me to just be.

But here — and everywhere apart from those places — I have this nasty habit of doing-doing-doing that starts to kick in. On one hand, of course, it makes me a successful professional and a dedicated friend — and it keeps my life moving and interesting. On the other hand, I know that I am driven to resort to that nasty habit because I feel like I need to earn my keep here. And even though I have friends whom I love and who love me here, it’s not the same. It’s not that deep and unconditional love (yet?), and that deprivation inspires the need to impress, to earn, to prove myself.

…I wonder what the next three months will bring. My life will change significantly again next week as I head into the workforce again and take on cases that promise to offer challenging issues and challenging hours. I keep remembering what Oldest Brother said to me in HK — he said that life in NY is an adventure that God will walk through with me. I agree, and certainly look forward to having God take my hand and guide me through each day’s joys and trials, unexpected bumps and mercies.

And gradually, I hope that my heart will settle down, and I hope that God and His love would become even more real to me here. I’m guessing that if I could just palpably sense His unconditional love for me, then that would be enough to calm me into contentment and a less frenetic pace. Maybe?

But… all in His good time. I’m sure He is teaching me, even here and now within my self-imposed express lane lifestyle.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow.

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

I’m back in the City, and this time for good — at least for the predictable future. This afternoon, I walked up and down an avenue that will become an oft-used thoroughfare in the weeks, months, and years to come — as long as I retain my residence on the east side. It occurred to me also that this City is now mine; I live here. Permanently. It’s a strange thought.

More than a year has passed since July 4, 2007. I still think about that day sometimes, but not nearly with the same frequency as before, nor with the same degree of that odd roiling mixture of regret, hurt, and sadness. Mostly, I just think about what might have been, and what it could possibly mean — that what might have been never became, and will never become. I still don’t understand the purpose of that whole section of my memory. I don’t know that I ever will.

… It’s okay, though. My life is good, and I am open to whatever God might see fit to toss my way. Sometimes I see favorable attributes of my girlfriends’ husbands or boyfriends, and I pray that God will grant to me a man who is that God-fearing, that patient, that understanding, that [insert positive trait here]…the favorable attributes are many. I’m trying to change my ways, though, and trying to pray instead that God will send the right one, and the one of His choosing, and that I’ll have the wisdom to see who it is.

Because the truth is, no one is going to be all those good things. I’m certainly not all the good things that I’d like to see in my life partner (though I pray that God will cultivate those things in me, too!), and in the end, the most important thing is that God has His way. Whoever He chooses must be the right one, even with whatever faults he brings (and I bring) to the table. As Double Cousin once told me, “You’re not looking for Mr. Good, you’re looking for Mr. Right.”

And only God knows who Mr. Right really is. It’s obviously not the one I thought it might be, so… I just keep stepping along, day by day. Trying to be patient, trying to continue in the way I feel led. Hopefully the paths will intersect at the right time (and soon…?).

It gets difficult to stay hopeful sometimes, because all my closest girlfriends are engaged (or practically engaged) or married. There are moments when I feel like it’s my fault that I’m different and still single at this age. Was it something I did? Is there something I missed? Are my standards too high, or have my standards been too low? Is the status quo going to last?

I watched “Freedom Writers” with Mom this evening. It did not disappoint, because it was exactly what I expected: a moving, triumphant tribute to the harnessing the power of hope and faith in children and not accepting defeat, even when logic and experience seem to dictate that wisdom directs otherwise.

For Erin Gruwell, the teacher who gathered the mettle to guide her at-risk students over perilously troubled waters, such victory came at an enormously high price. It cost her the security of her relationship with her husband, and eventually crumbled her marriage. Still, she valued the children and continued to invest in their progress and their futures. In a particularly touching scene, her father — who evidently made a 180 from his initial opposition to Erin’s endeavors — said to her, “You have been blessed with a burden, my daughter. I envy you that.”

Since I was very young and not yet into my double-digits in age, I’ve had a burden on my heart to be a lawyer. Then, in college, I met KW — a professor who I determined was “so left of the left of the left that he looks like he’s from the right.” It’s because of KW that I received an uber-liberal education about the criminal justice system. I wrestled with 100 percent of what he offered in the curriculum (which I mockingly referred to, sometimes to his face, as “leftist propaganda” at first), and came away accepting maybe half of it.  It was enough; that half that I decided was worth something real left me stunned, and forever changed. Over the years, KW and I have remained in touch, and I have realized that God probably sent him into my path to spark in me a fire for compassion.

Since college, and since KW, my view on my life and career — and my burden — have taken a slightly different aim. I’m still headed toward the same goals, but with different intentions and with a different heart. More than ever, I believe in the importance of hearing an individual’s story, and making sense of it as part of the overall evaluation of one’s life and behavior. And I believe in not giving up on kids — if we don’t believe in them, how can we expect them to believe in themselves?

I have plans for where I’d like to end up; I want to be in a position similar to Erin’s in the future … though not necessarily as a teacher. I wonder if God will provide another, more law-oriented position for me to work through. I don’t know. But I can feel the burden within. Most times, I am very glad for it, and I almost envy myself too, as Erin’s father envied his daughter. It is a wonderful blessing to have a God to serve and a mission to live for.

But I must admit that sometimes, it feels like the burden is too heavy to carry around. Or I wonder how much easier life might be without it. I look at movies like “Freedom Writers” and see the sacrifices that the Erin Gruwells of the world must make, and while from the outside it’s easy for me to say it’s worth it — I know that if I were in their situations, the sacrifices would be extremely difficult for me to swallow and endure. Then I wonder what sacrifices I will have to make, and what costs I will have to pay. And who, besides God, will stand and walk beside me as I carry the burden around. I don’t know the answers, and sometimes that scares me.

Mostly, though, I still feel really lucky. I agree with the dad — it IS a blessing to receive a burden. And I’m reminded of how Jesus says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:30). And I’m reminded of what I read just last night in I Corinthians 10:13 — “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” God walks with us all the way, and He is enough.

Mom tells me that when I was fourteen years old, she sat by me as I lay in bed, and I looked up her and said, “When I grow up, I want to defend justice. And when I die, I want God to say to me, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.’”

I’m over a decade away from that moment now, but the desire still rings true. I just find that as the world becomes more and more grey, rather than black and white, I see how difficult it is going to be to know exactly what my goals entail. But… God will help me figure it out. He’s faithful.

Philippians 1:6 – “…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

* * *

Memorable, challenging, and resonating passages from the “Freedom Writers” script -

Scott: If you have another glass your gonna have a headache
Erin: Your bags are backed and you think the wines gonna give me a headache? Why are you doing this?… Because I don’t pay enough attention to you?
Scott: No, that’s not it. I just feel like I’m living a life i just did not agree to, and it’s just too hard
Erin: Your life is too hard?
Scott: I think what your doing is noble and it’s good, and I’m proud of you. I am. I just want to live my life and not feel bad about it.
Erin: Well, I’m not trying to make you feel bad.
Scott: You don’t have to try..
Erin: Scott, I finally realized what I’m supposed to be doing and I love it. When I’m helping these kids make sense of their lives, everything about my life makes sense to me.. How often does a person get that?
Scott: Then what do you need me for?
Erin: Your my husband. Why can’t you stand by me and be a part of it?
Scott: Erin, if you had to choose between us and a class, what would you pick?
Erin: If you loved me, how could you ever ask me that?
Scott: Erin, look at me, this is all there’s ever been to me, this is it, I’m not one of those kids. I don’t have anymore potential.. see you don’t want to be here, if you did would you be in the classroom every night?
Erin: That’s not true. I want to be here. I love you.
Scott: You love the idea of me.
Erin: But it’s such a great idea.

* * *

Erin: The evaluation assignment was to grade yourself on the work you’ve been doing. You gave yourself and F… what’s that about?
Student: It’s what I feel I deserve.
Erin: Oh really? You know what this is? It’s a **** you to me and everyone in this class. I don’t want excuses. I know what your up against. Were all of us up against something. So, you better make up your mind, because until you have the balls to look me straight in the eyes and tell me this is all you deserve, I am not letting you fail… even it it means coming to your house every night until you finish your work. I see who you are. Do you understand me? I can see you.. and you are not failing. So, take a minute, pull yourself together and come inside. oh, and I want a new evaluation. An F? What? Are you trippin’?

• “I will support you no matter what.”

Two of my brothers told me this recently, and I realized what power this phrase has, because their saying it meant the world to me. In expressing such confidence in me, both provided an a priori blanket of security. Their expression of devotion, regardless of the circumstances, was both moving and empowering.

• “I love you.”

This phrase isn’t really said in our household, but some of my closest friends say it. And it’s more than just a simple, thrown-around phrase in my book. It means all the things that love should mean: unconditional acceptance, undying loyalty, incredible care and concern. It is good to be told that we are loved.

I should tell people whom I love that I do love them, more often. But it’s kind of hard to get the words out of my mouth, since I’m just not used to saying it. So in the meantime, I hope that they understand through my actions alone.

• “Bei bei.”

My parents call me this all the time, and explained it to me for the first time today. I always thought it was just another word for “baby,” and since I’m the youngest, I figured they just called me that out of convenience. Not so!

Bei bei is derived from bao bei, which means “precious,” and bei bei is a step up — it is a term of endearment that reflects something more along the lines of “most precious.” I’m my parents “most precious” daughter!

Lucky me. It is good to be someone’s bei bei.