Matthew Doyle is a Lawyer.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Lacanian-traumatic desire’s manifestation as a masculinized, heteronormative quest for the “perfect” cookie is “neither subject to nor the subject of official pronouncements upon the inevitability of heterosexual paradigms - of labor, gender, or sexuality.” (Hannon, 117) Suspended above societal/cultural subjugation, we are free to judge Post-WWII cookies under specific criteria in order to extract certain truths from their simple narrative structures. In the analysis of two classic “mint-chocolate” cookies, the “wounded nurse paradox” underlies their generation of a traumatic desire to construct a meta-narrational fantasy; we must rely on what Derrida referred to as “la déconstruction primordiale” in order to capture what Virilio deemed “l’art pathétique” which underlies this, as Baudrillard would refer to it, “desert of the hyper-real” manifesting itself as a somewhat primitive, chocolate-mint bildungsroman.

“Critères Vitaux”

{PACKAGING}

Thin Mints

The Verdict: Sexy.

Apparently the young women “girls-scouts” on this package are rock climbing, or engaging in some other sort of team building exercise that involves tight-fitting harnesses and helmets. Which doesn’t have very much to do with Thin Mints. Either way, it gets a two thumbs up from me.

Mint Milanos

The Verdict: Sassy, yet sensible.

Conforming to the traditional Pepperidge Farm packaging with a cheeky self-awareness, this packaging is sleek, fun, and this reviewer has to admit - captivating in it’s simplicity and utilitarianism. It’s a tough call though, because I’m definitely not as titillated as I was by the Thin Mint packaging.

{TASTE}

Thin Mints

The Verdict: Experimentation pays off big time.

I didn’t know what to think when I first approached this cookie. Covered in a layer of dark chocolate? Are they joking? How do they expect me to hold that in my hand? Furthermore, what about dunking it into my tea? However, let’s just put it this way - If you’re keeping them in your hand, you’re not eating them right. These puppies went DOWN the gullet quick; I ate the entire box in 3 minutes. The best part? No melted chocolate on my fingers. I don’t know how those “girls-scouts” did it, but like a plunging v-neck shirt on a 47 year old hooker, they’ve kicked the shit out of me once again.

Mint Milanos

(Artist’s Rendition)

The Verdict: Robust classic flavor meets accessibility, sensual design.

I have to admit, I was gaga over these guys for a while. The delicate curvature, phallic shape - It’s sinful, tempting and downright sexy. Like Adam in the garden, staring at Eve’s funbags hanging out of that plunging v-neck shirt she always wore, I was head over heels for these babies. The first layer of buttery cookie caves in immediately, inviting you to explore with every tonguestroke another daring combination of flavor - mint, chocolate, cookie, cookie, mint, chocolate, chocolate, mint, cookie. Every orifice of my mouth was moaning with ecstasy as I treated myself to two bags of these fuckers.

OVERALL VERDICT: MINT MILANOS

That’s right. I’m sorry “girls-scouts”, your thin mints are good, but when it comes to be snacktime at the office I’ll always have a bag of Mint Milanos - the Ferrari of cookies - on hand to pleasure myself with.

Everyone agrees that Ayn Rand is sexy as hell, but I think that now that I’ve read this blog entry she just got 250% sexier as hell.

Ayn Rand’s highly influential Objectivism is a deep topic, and her purely philosophical writings on it are quite dense. Realizing this, she took on the task of translating her thoughts into the realm of fiction in order to make it more accessible to the general public. Unfortunately, the task still proved formidable, and two of her resulting books totaled over 1,000 pages each. The complex nature of what she advocates even dictated that she spend the final 50 some-odd pages of Atlas Shrugged reiterating everything she had spent the previous 1,000 pages explaining. Thankfully, Neil Pert was up to the task of reinterpreting her work for her in layman’s language.

…lyrics such as these are the basic essence of Objectivism. Free will. The power to change your destiny should you so choose. Total rejection of the idea that some people are born into situations from which they cannot rise out of without help. Another line from the above song goes, “Blame is better to give than receive”. No greater sarcastic truism has ever been uttered. The simple truth of the world is that absolutely each and every person who finds themselves in difficult circumstances is there as a result of their own actions. This is what Objectivism teaches us, that those who have problems deserve no help because it is all their fault anyway.

I can see why neoconservatives like her so much.

Wizards have inspired men, from Edison to Einstein, and all the way back to Edison. Their command of many different spells has empowered and captivated members of the human community. Let’s run down a list of famous wizards.

Ralph Ellison
Ralph Ellison was a famous wizard of literature, casting spells with words of wit and wisdom which won the hearts of many. His book the Invisible Man, about an Invisible Man, was famous for many years until his sequel “Time Machine” came out, starring Guy Pearce. Needless to say, it succeeded.

Abraham Lincoln
A captivating mind-reading sorcerer, he shaped America in his wooden-toothed image. Recently, he cast a powerful mind-charm on the five dollar bill.

Delineation.
Obfuscate.
Abstruse.
Yogurt.
Jejune.
Bach.

Global Warming.
Astronomy.
Astrology.
The Stock Market.
How to Raise A Small Child.
Self-Actualization.
How to Achieve Your Dreams.
How To Read.
Gross Domestic Product.
Yogurt.
Bach.

Rollerblading is one of the truest expressions of human fun, and I believe that ever since man gazed at the heavens and wondered “What is out there?”, most of human history has been leading up to our invention of the inline skate. Here, I wish to propose a model for human history within the context of this monumental discovery, backed up with empirical data exhaustively compiled from wikipedia.com

The Development and Invention of the Inline Skate
By Matthew Doyle

April 15th, 4000 B.C. Wheel invented in Mesopotamia.
December 25th, 20 A.D. Jesus invents rollerblades in Israel.

Strong claim? I think not. Fossil evidence indicates that Jesus was not only actually a real person who actually really was persecuted because of his choice of aerobic activities, but that he actually invented that very aerobic activity for which he died on the cross, rollerblading. Here is a selection from the book of John:

“Upon the day of Jesus Christ, the Son of God’s 20th birthday, all disciples contributed 20 denars to grant for him the two worldly items they believed he desired most.
Thence, upon the day of his celebratory feast, they presented him with a great feast and the two gifts.
And Christ, Son of God looked down upon the feast prepared for his 20th birthday, and these words he said unto us:
‘Thy presents do me no well, I did not desire a drum kit nor a motorcycle. Neither of these presents shall do me well.’
And the disciples hung their heads in shame, knowing that they had failed the Son of God.
Jesus, seeing this, raised his voice:
‘My children, fear not, for I have performed a miracle this day, and granted myself mine own birthday present.’
And Jesus thence did stand, and he wore a pair of leather sandals which resembled two small chariots. He proceeded to move about swiftly and with ease among the disciples, and there was great rejoicing that day.”
John 8:32

The defense rests, your honor.

I was going to write something here, but then I realized this picture is worth the 1,500 words I need to get paid.

Banana, surely your familiar yellow sheath,
Instructs the flavor underneath.
Little red and tasty berry,
Like a straw, and not a cherry.

May we sit alone together,
Under tree shade, from summer weather.
Realize my love for you, sighing,
Red like mellow roses lying,
And yet, ’tis
Yellow as the sun, dying.

The home office has been astoundingly slow today. I am so bored right now, my god. I stumbled through a conference call this morning, half conscious, mumbling in my sleep, and now I’m back in bed blogging and eating yogurt. By the way - strawberry banana? Who would’ve thought it’d be so great! It’s been one of those flavors I’ve been avoiding for my entire life. Perhaps I shall begin to explore other exotic taste combinations, like “strawberry-kiwi”. More to come on this later.