Dialectical jawbreakers

February 13, 2004 at 7:58 pm | In yulelogStories | 15 Comments

Canadian orthodontists, at least here on Vancouver Island, appear to be an aggressive lot. They really like to recommend breaking the jaws — sometimes just the lower, sometimes the upper and lower simultaneously — to create a perfect cosmetic and orthodontic bite. I’m horrified by this because (a) it involves extreme pain, (b) it takes a long while to heal up (I guess you could combine it with a 6-week liquid diet), and (c) I have this stupid idea that you don’t have to do everything possible to attain a beauty ideal. Repeat: this surgical intervention isn’t being foisted on people who have serious bite problems, this is being suggested to people who have managed quite happily thus far and would continue to do so without any intervention at all. It’s all about looking perfect. Period. Two of my neighbours on my street had it done within the last 12 months (and one is in his 40s, the other is in her 20s), my dentist is having it done (she must be in her late 30s, although she claims that it she’s doing it to cure a bite problem that gives her migraines), and it was suggested to a friend of mine who, in her mid-40s, innocently asked an orthodontist whether corrective braces would do her any good at this point in her life. He advised her to get both jaws broken and everything realigned over a period of several years. And at the end of the line, the financial cost to her would be in the ten-thousands. Yet she looks fine and I have always admired her distinctive profile. Why anyone would want to change their personal marker of individuality to fit the toothy ideal of America’s Hollywood is beyond me, but that visit to the orthodontist’s office left her feeling like an ugly freak in need of a paper bag. I spoke to another friend today who told me that when she was in her mid-30s nearly 20 years ago, an orthodontist recommended jaw breaking in her case. She has smallish teeth that have grown into a slightly irregular alignment, but nothing spectacularly glaring or weird. Frankly, she looks downright normal. But her dentist read the orthodontist’s report back to her later: the orthodontist characterised my friend as in need of this kind of surgical intervention because she “looked like a witch.” W T F ??????????????????????? Let me repeat: W T F??? On the heels of hearing Bill Leiss’s talk at PACTAC, I’m completely convinced that he’s right and that we will see massive genetic engineering very soon to “fix” things that we previously accepted. The pressure is on. Everyone is supposed to have a smile like Julia Roberts, and very soon we’ll be looking back on our benighted age with its surgical breaking of the jaws as a primitive time. Because genetic engineering will eliminate the need for such barbarism…. Submit, submit, submit. Resistance is useless… It’s not just science, it’s the pressure to conform.

A wasteland or a party, desolation row or underground tuber springing into action?

February 13, 2004 at 7:55 pm | In yulelogStories | 6 Comments

Mike Golby is back after a 2-month hiatus with an amazing essay, The Turning of the Key. Don’t miss it, it’s a feast of words, images, and ideas.

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