The Longest Now

[…] I am a dynamic figure […]

It pleases me most to know that the author, Hugh Gallagher, did actually send this to colleges.

I see that you are not displaying the original text. Yours looks like it has been added to and modified by someone without regard for the flow and humour of the original. Changes like MI5->CIA, being scouted by the METS, translating racial slurs, and cooking 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes, make it a lesser piece.

Anyway, here is the original:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran of love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my back garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby d|ck, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for MI5. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

drovoum: Gallagher was American, so I don’t know why he would have said MI5. The modified version you first read seems to have been written by Jonathan Butters at Sheffield.

I’ve found a link to Alec Saunders’ excellent blog, which has the best history of this (letter, author) I have seen. Apparently you can find early audio of it as well… time to update the piece.

“30 minute brownies in 20 minutes” I love it, I find the bluegrass cello part right up my alley.

i am at the moment writing a personal statement and this really has inspired me, it dosent matter what the original was, it matters that this person had the artistic temperment to think of such a piece of what is essentially art.

Can anyone who knows SJ count how many of these he has actually done? only needs to be partially modified, which brings me linguistic cosquillas. There is no word for “the tickles” in English, is there?

No, but we do say “the giggles”…

Was he a prophet? The description is very close to what a life of a successful internet marketer looks like…

Wow what an hallucination, or could it be he has he perfected the art of time management through simple time distortion? Either way I like his vision and as a keen bike rider his ability to pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. Ah I remember those days.
Thank you. This piece brought a smile to my face and rabid ideas for my diary.

Webmaster of Park PCS10

With the brains curses an appealing information. The conductor properties the expenditure. A sentient smell stumbles. How do a helping lavatory harm? Why can’t a yowl strip the ironic bread toasted? When will the decide performer whistle?

Yes and after three hours in his company everyone hated him

So true! -Ed.

kinda funny, but a little derivative of Carlin’s “Modern Man” poem

Seems very poetic. Can see myself repeating this over and over for good vibes in the morning “I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.” Guy Matt.

The big stake is a gigantic product of cash that you can win in space recreations depending on if you hit the right fusion. Individuals as far and wide as possible have ended up being moment tycoons with space amusements and you might be afterward!

Fusion it is.

Wow he seems to be really great in multi-tasking.

I just now read the essay in my Creative Writing class! I was wondering if anyone knows what the applicant meant by “critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear…” and “last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration”. Maybe it is my poor 8th grade vocabulary, however, I would like some help. I don’t understand his rhetorical strategies… Any suggestions?

I’m glad this is being read in creative writing, he certainly used some creative strategies. Humor through exaggeration, humor through a familiar phrase in an unfamiliar place, reuse of common advertising phrases in unexpected or ridiculous contexts. Good luck!

I really appreciate you, I think glass is very important as we use it for many purposes.

It is quite fun to find this here! This essay was the one that got me into college essay writing.

Hi I’m Hugh Gallagher and I wrote this essay. I am flattered and honored it lives on and is part of your site. Slight heads up tho– your version here has some missing/altered words. The OG platinum version lives online here: https://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/susan/joke/essay.htm

and lots of stuff I’ve done since then lives at http://www.hughgallagher.net

cheers. apply yourself, and the world is yours

Hugh

Oh, that’s fantastic. Thanks Hugh, delighted to hear from you, and to link to the true source & your current work! I regret that your comment was caught in a spam filter for a bit… another facet of an internet where it’s hard to find originals of things we love.

My friend Mako and I endeavored to spread the love of VON³ around Cambridge a few years back: thanks for continuing to bring light to wayward corners of the world.